Harry Pothead: The Sorceror's Stoned!
by Aurora Lynn Rose
Summary: Well, here it is, by popular demand... the Harry Pothead series! Wrote chapter one today... mwa ha ha ha ha... more to come when I get more po---sugar! Yes, sugar...... P.S. THIS IS NOT MAKING FUN OF HP! I worship those books; this is just a spoof. Okies?
1. Herbology

Harry Pothead: The Sorceror's Stoned!!!!!  
  
A/N Since my last fic, "Unlikely Harry Potter Titles", got such good reviews, I decided to write a   
series. *grins a grinchy grin* I know I'm evil.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Chapter 1: Herbology Class  
  
It was a very hot day in June. The Gryffindor and Hufflepuff first years trudged across  
the grounds to the greenhouses for Herbology. When they were all assembled in Greenhouse  
1, Professor Sprout stuck her head in the door.  
  
"Sorry, chaps, I forgot to tell you, we're having class in Greenhouse 5 today!" she  
announced. Any other time, the students would be shocked by this news, but today it was, as  
Ron phrased it, "too damn hot to get riled up". So the students followed their teacher into the  
forbidden Greenhouse 5.  
  
Professor Sprout carefully shut the door behind her. "Here," she whispered, "Are the   
most dangerous plants known to man, Muggle or wizard. They are filled with VERY powerful magic,  
and have very, erm, strange effects. I advise you to stay away from them unless you are in this  
class, or you'll find yourself at St. Mungo's, never mind the hospital wing."  
  
Everyone gasped at this last statement. *What kind of horrible specimens were kept in  
this greenhouse, anyway? Why was Professor Sprout taking the first years into the most terrifying  
greenhouse? And......... whoa, the fumes in here are making me woooooozy...* Harry Pothead  
thought. He giggled stupidly. Everyone stared at him.  
  
"Erm, right. I also reccomend that you don't inhale very deeply. It doesn't take much  
for these babies to do their work." Professor Sprout warned. She then plucked a large, compound  
leaf of a nearby plant. It had five leaves. She held it up, and asked, "Does anyone know what this  
is called?"  
  
Everyone turned to Hermione, expecting her hand to instantly shoot up, but Hermione  
had a dreamy look on her face. Instead, Lavender Brown's arm was waving violently in the air.  
  
"Marajuana, also known as 'pot', is a powerful, illegal drug that can be smoked or   
inhaled. It's effects include dizzyness, hallucinations, violence, agreesion, and loss of coordiation  
and concentration. Using, holding, buying, or selling marajuana results in jail time and suspension  
from school." Lavender answered, sounding like she'd swallowed the D.A.R.E. workbook.  
  
"Very good, Miss Brown! Ten points for Gyffindor? Where'd you learn all of that   
information?" Professor Sprout asked. Lavender grinned.  
  
"The best way to learn is from experience," Lavender quoted. Everyone gaped wide-eyed  
at the innocent looking eleven-year-old.   
  
"Okay then! Class dismissed!" Sprout called, opening the greenhouse door and letting  
the dazed (although whether it was the fumes or the general confusion that did it, I'm unsure)  
first years outside. Harry snapped out of his dream about flying a magic dragon... a magic  
dragon named Norbert... Professor Sprout grabbed Lavender by the robes as she was walking  
out the door, so they could have a little "chat". Harry checked to see that the coast was clear,  
then grabbed the leaf off of the floor.   
  
He wanted to learn more about this magical plant.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
A/N Mwa ha ha ha ha ha.........  
  
Reviews will be appreciated!  
  
If you flame this, you are an idiot. This is a HUMOR fic. It is supposed to be messed up. Therefore,  
any flamers shall be laughed at by the almighty author known as moi. You have been warned.  
  
After you read the next chapters, be sure to read the upcoming sequels:  
  
Harry Pothead and the Chamber of Secrets.....  
  
Harry Pothead and the Scent Dogs from Azkaban  
  
Harry Pothead and the Goblet of............... Ahem. 


	2. Experiments and Effects

Chapter 2: Experimenting  
  
A/N Now that he has the plant..... what does he DO with it?? Mwa ha ha ha ha... if u wanna know,  
keep reading!!!!!!!!   
  
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Harry was back in the common room, working on his potions homework. He didn't  
feel so lightheaded anymore, in fact, he'd almost forgotten the episode in Herbology. But not   
quite.  
  
"Hey guys, I'm heading up to bed," he said to Ron and Hermione, yawning and strething.  
His friends nodded and continued..... (Author: *thinks* Now what are they doing? Hmm... I'll give  
all of the R/H shippers a chance...)...... having fun. Harry climbed up the stairs and into the first  
year dormitory and flopped down on his bed. A strange leaf fell out of his pocket, so he bent  
over to pick it up.  
  
*Hmm... what's this?* he thought. He sniffed it. *It smells good,* he thought. He looked  
at the leaf for a moment, then tentatively licked it. *It tastes like......... h a p p y n e s s...* he  
observed. He stuck the end of the rolled-up leaf in his mouth. Then, what happened next was  
very fast.  
  
Harry's wand was on his end table, point facing him. Suddenly, Neville crashed into the  
door and started hopping around the room.  
  
"Whoa, what's your problem, dude?" Harry questioned. (Remember, he licked it.)  
  
"Trevor...... escaped...... Malfoy....... leg locker...... curse...... OW!" Neville swore. His  
crazy hopping had driven him right into Harry's end table, causing Harry's wand to go beserk  
and start shooting flames everywhere. Neville screamed as his robes caught on fire. The door  
banged open again.  
  
"WHAT THE ---- IS GOING ON HERE? HOLY ----!!!!!" shouted Dean Thomas. He whipped  
out his own wand and shot water at the burning chaos. He then performed the countercurse  
for Neville and repaired the, erm, victims of Neville's clumsiness. He and Seamus then helped  
Neville get a hold of himeself (Ron was still busy downstairs) and left Harry all alone with the  
wet leaf still in his mouth.  
  
The wet leaf that was smoking at the tip.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
A/N Welp, we got poor old Harry Pothead hooked! IT'S ALL NEVILLE'S FAULT! DIE, NEVILLE, DIE!  
Of course, who's the idiot with the leaf in his mouth in the first place????? Oh well, now that  
Harry's addicted...... let's see what happens!!! MWA HA HA HA HA!!! Oh, hell, I can't wait til the   
next chapter, let's just get on with it NOW.....  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
MORE of Chapter 2: Experiments  
  
"Harry! You've just won the Quidditch World Cup! What are you gonna do now?" shouted   
one of the Weasley twins.  
  
"I'm-a going to Happyland!" Harry shouted right back. The world got all swirly and  
pink, and Harry Pothead felt himself spinning through the air... spinning... spinning...  
  
He landed in a huge bathtub that looked strangley like the Hogwarts Prefect bathroom,  
but it had disco lights and lava lamps lining the walls. He was surrounded by girls... Cho Chang,  
Hermione, Ginny, Parvati, Lavender, Queen Amidala, Jennifer Lopez... just to name a few... and   
they were------  
  
"POTTER!!!!! WHAT IN BLOODY HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?!?!?!?" hollered a   
familiar voice.  
  
"Huh?" Harry's head was swimming. Everything was swirling in pretty colors... then the  
colors darkened, sharpened, took shape...... "AAAAAAAUUUUUUUUGH!!!!!!!" Harry screamed, and  
fell to the dungeon floor. "YOU DISGUSTING PERVERT!" he yelled, and slapped Snape full in  
the face. He'd "woken up", apparently in Potions class, wrapped around his least favorite professor.  
  
"POTTER! DETENTION! TWO HUNDRED POINTS OFF GRYFFINDOR! TWO HUNDRED FIFTY  
POINTS OFF GRRYFINDOR! TEN POINTS OFF YOUR FINAL AVERAGE! ANOTHER DETENTION! NO  
WANDS FOR A DAY! I'LL BE SEEING DUMBLEDORE ABOUT THIS, YOU'D BETTER BELIEVE IT, AND  
WHAT THE HELL GAVE YOU THE DERANGED IDEA TO KISS ME?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?" Snape  
thundered, spitting on the stone floor.  
  
"I WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?" Harry bellowed, rattling the icky looking jars on the  
ceiling. "EWWWWWW!!!!! YEEEEEECH!!!!! BLEAAAAAAARGH!!!!! DISGUSTING! I'D NEVER DO SUCH A   
THING!!!!!!!!" Harry's eyes were blazing. Had his Potions teacher gone mad?  
  
"Oh believe me Potter, I WISH you hadn't done it!" Snape hissed. "Yech! Didn't those  
Mudbloods ever teach you how to brush your teeth?"  
  
Harry actually had tears in his eyes. He stormed out of the classroom amid the stunned  
looks of the first year Gryffindors and Slytherins. He ran up to the Fat Lady, huffed the password,  
and threw himself onto the couch.  
  
*Mad. Insane. All of them. I would NEVER......!* Harry fumed. He needed something  
to calm him down... fast...   
  
There were four leaves left on the strange plant. Harry rolled up another one, lit it  
with his wand, and started puffing like there was no tomorrow.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
A/N Awwwwww, poor Harry...... If the commercials won't keep you off drugs, this fic sure will! I   
mean, he kissed SNAPE for cryin out loud!!!!!!!!! That is like SOOOOOO wrong! *grins evilly* Well,  
review, so I can shut up and type chapter 3! 


	3. End of School Blues

Chapter 3: End of School Blues  
  
A/N This is all I have time to write tonight *sob*,  
but I promise there's more! Really!  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Harry walked into the Great Hall for breakfast on  
Saturday. Actually, it was more like  
lunch time, and Ron and Hermione were dragging him in.  
He wasn't delirious anymore, but  
he had one helluva headache. And he wasn't in a very  
good mood. Unfortunately, Draco  
Malfoy didn't know this. And as they passed the  
Slytherin table:  
  
"Oh, Snapey baby, oh yeah, give it to me sweetheart,  
mmph, yes, oh yes--"   
  
Draco, of course, was performing his imitation of  
what had happened in Potions class  
the day before, to the great amusement of his fellow  
Slytherins. It didn't really amuse poor  
Harry, though. Without warning, Harry regained his  
balance, stomped right in Draco's face, and  
POW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! punched his lights out. The hall  
became silent as everyone watched Draco fall,  
bang into the table, and fall to the ground, blood  
dripping out of his nose and mouth.  
  
"Yo author! I'm trying to eat here!" shouted Fred  
Weasley to me.  
  
"Shut up! This isn't an author fic, I'm not supposed  
to talk! See what happens when   
your main character is under the influence of drugs?"  
I replied. Ahem. Where was I, before I  
was RUDELY interrupted? I glared at Fred Weasley, who  
cowered under his seat, then went back  
to telling the story.  
  
The teachers jumped out of their seats as if Volde---  
You-Know-Who had just apparated  
in and started cursing everybody. ("Even though  
Hogwarts, A History EXPLICITLY states that NO  
ONE can apparate or disapparate on Hogwarts grounds!"  
"Shove it, Hermione...") They   
surrounded Harry and were about to about to punish him  
horribly, but---  
  
"OBLIVIATE!" Hermione shouted. Everyone in the Great  
Hall but the happy trio was hit  
by the Memory Charm. When everyone recovered, Hermione  
shouted, "Goyle! How could you hit  
poor Malfoy?"  
  
Goyle, of course, stood there like an idiot and took  
the blame for Malfoy's injuries as  
our three amigos slipped out of the Great Hall. Once  
in the common room, they sat down for  
another Harry-and-friends heart-to-heart.  
  
"Harry, you've been acting weird lately," Ron started  
uncerimoniously. Harry glared at   
him.  
  
"What Ron was TRYING to say, was, well, is anything  
bothering you that you haven't  
told us about?" Hermione chimed in, elbowing Ron.  
  
"Like what?" Harry asked suspiciously.  
  
"Well, you know, is your scar hurting again or  
something? Because if that's what it is..."  
  
Harry sighed with relief and exasperation. "No,  
actually, yesterday, when, you know, see, I was feeling a  
bit... woozy... probably one of the after affects of, well,  
you know, Vold-You-Know-Who's curse, and that's probably what  
made me act... erm, weird, and this morning I was just SO  
angry with Malfoy--"  
  
"Yes, we were too," Hermione cut in hastily, to   
prevent Ron from ranting on about how he hated Malfoy.  
  
"Yeah. So, umm, that's why I acted that way."   
Harry finished, praying that they would believe him, even  
though he was an athiest.  
  
"We understand," Ron said, sounding relieved.   
Harry grinned.  
  
"But, er, Harry, if you ever feel that way again..."  
Hermione stammered, "Just do us all a favor and go straight  
to the hospital wing."  
  
Harry nodded. He wanted that leaf again... he needed  
it... so he wouldn't strangle Hermione... of course he   
wouldn't do that again!   
  
"Let's go visit Hagrid," Harry suggested, as a way  
of getting off the subject of his recent insanity. His  
friends agreed, and together they walked down to Hagrid's  
cabin, glad that there were no dragons waiting there to  
greet them.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
A/N YAAAAAAAAY!! I GOT TWO WHOLE FLAMES!!! I FEEL SO SPECIAL! Ahem. So  
this may have been just a LEETLE sucky. Well, okay, a lot sucky. But  
it wasn't MY deranged idea to write a story that went with the title!  
I think the next chapter is funnier, though... *cackles* But, if you're  
not too disgusted, you'll just have to wait. ^^  
  
Flamers beware, I hired Norbert to look after my inbox.  



	4. The Last Leaves Put to Good Use....

Chapter 4: The Last Leaves  
  
A/N Yep, last chapter of this trash-of-a-fic... sequel coming soon! HP  
on Broadway in the making! Rita fic on hold for a while! Check back later  
for more updates!  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
It was the end of the year feast. Harry had stayed away from the  
magical plant ever since his last unpleasant encounter, and was content  
to party cleanly at the celebration. Gryffindor, of course, had won the  
house cup, and even though everyone (except the Slytherins) was happy,  
Fred and George Weasley were bored.  
  
"What's wrong, you two?" Harry asked.  
  
"Yeah, dig in!" Ron advised, stuffing his face.  
  
"We've run out of dung bombs," George informed them.  
  
"Not to mention farting pills, wart growers, fireworks--" Fred  
continued to name every single, um, "toy" they'd ever used in their   
favorite hobby, pranks, in their whole lives. It took a while.  
  
"Hey, guys, I have an idea!" Harry whispered. He pulled the  
half-plucked leaf out of his pocket.  
  
"Whoa, Harry, we don't do drugs!" said George, a bit  
alarmed. (As if he's never been stoned before???)  
  
"It's not for you guys! Unless you want it-" Harry started. The  
twins shook their heads. "Okay, fine, that's what I thought. So what  
you can do is Hi there professor."  
  
Harry stuffed the leaf inside his robes as Professor McGonagall  
passed their table. When the coast was clear, he pulled it back out.  
  
"Okay, listen," Harry whispered, handing the leaf to Fred. "Ground  
this up into a powder, okay?"  
  
"Why?" George asked, staring at the dangerous magical plant with  
caution, as if looking at it would make him high.  
  
"Because, it's easier to... take in that way, without anyone  
seeing... like, you could even DRINK it, if you wanted to..." he hinted.  
The twins looked at each other, muttering indistinct phrases such as  
"Okay..." and "Riiiight..." and "Mental..." ... then they got it.  
  
"OOOOOOOOH!!" they gasped, a little too loud. "Be right back!"  
they hissed, and ran out the door. Dumbledore looked after them with  
mild curiosity, not even bothering to stop them.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Fred and George reentered the Great Hall about fifteen minutes   
later. They had a whole bottle full of powder.   
  
*Wow, they work fast,* thought Harry. *They must have gotten  
more from Greenhouse 5...*  
  
The twins snuck up to the Slytherin table and positioned themselves  
behind Malfoy. Fred winked at Harry, who was cracking up under the   
table, much to the worry of his already confused friends.   
  
"What do you want?" drawled Malfoy to George.  
  
"Are you gonna eat those peppermint humbugs?" George asked, a  
little too casually. Malfoy started making rude comments to him, giving  
Fred the perfect opportunity to dump the powder in Malfoy's goblet of  
pumpkin juice unnoticed. He then nodded at George and they left back for  
the Gryffindor table to watch the fun from a distance.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
About two minutes later, our dearest Draco took a sip of his drink.   
He swallowed slowly, a disgusted look on his face. He studied his goblet for  
a minute or so, critical look on his face. The three pranksters looked like  
they were going to explode from trying not to laugh.  
  
"I won't even bother asking," Hermione huffed, although she did  
look quite amused.  
  
Malfoy took another tentative sip of juice. This time, his eyes lit up  
and he drained his goblet in one ravenous gulp. He looked so funny, Fred   
almost spat out his own pumpkin juice. This wasn't even the best part.  
  
"Hold on, ladies and gents," Fred muttered, checking his watch,  
"Just waiting a few moments for the drugs to take affect..."Everyone sniggered.  
Only the really stupid ones had no idea what was going on now. Then, all of a   
sudden.....  
  
"YAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!! I FEEL SO PRETTY!!!!" Draco screeched in a   
Pansy Parkinson style voice, leaping on the table and starting to do a  
ballet dance. He was quite the graceful dancer, actually, even though he   
managed to knock over every dish on the table.  
  
"Right... he *feels* pretty..." muttered George as everyone goggled at  
Malfoy as if he had three heads. As if to say "WHAT were you smoking?"... even  
though TECHNICALLY he didn't smoke it, he drank it.  
  
"Who wants to join me in the magical land of yellow submarines?"  
Malfoy invited dreamily. (I DO I DO!! shouted the author... oh, wait, I wasn't  
supposed to type that...) He then started to sing "Yellow Submarine". He  
sounded like a cross between Barry Manilow and Celine Dion.  
  
"Are you sure it was just pot?" Harry asked, a little shocked. Then  
he remembered what he'd done under the influence...  
  
"I thought it was," Fred said innocently. Both of the twins started  
cracking up. Harry waited until they stopped to ask again.  
  
"We.... added.... a few.... ingriedients...." wheezed George. "Such...  
as... LSD... and.... other... special.... magical.... chemicals...."  
  
Hermione looked shocked. "YOU DRUGGED UP DRACO MALFOY?"  
she thundered, looking like a crazed angry rhinocerous. Then she started  
laughing insanely at something behind the Weasley twins.  
  
"Yo dudes, what's shakin'? I'm feeling some bad vibes, man,"   
Snape said. He was wearing tie-dye robes and his oily hair hung over his  
face.  
  
"Yes we did, Hermione," George whispered, "But we didn't stop at  
just ONE little Slytherin first year... we had lots of powder left, why waste it?"  
Everyone who heard this statement either eyed their goblets suspiciously or  
spat their pumpkin juice out in horror.  
  
"Whoa, dudes!" Snape jumped in alarm as everyone sprayed him with   
their spat-out pumpkin juice, "Love and peace, man, love and peace." With this  
Snape strode out of the Great Hall to get the pumpkin juice off his robes.  
  
After this, things became utterly chaotic. Dumbledore seemed to think   
he was Leonardo DeCraprio (not a typo) and kept quoting "Romeo and Juliet".   
Professor McGonagall was in her cat form, rubbing up against peoples' legs.  
Professor Sprout was doing the Lollipop Kid's dance. Cho Chang was practicing  
kung-fu (I didn't spell that right, did I? Oops...) on Cedric Diggory, who thought  
his wand was a broomstick and kept trying to fly. Dean had somehow joined  
the KKK and was wearing white robes and a hood. Percy was poking himself  
on the head and giggling stupidly. Hagrid was treating Professor Flitwick like  
a hackysack, kicking him around as Flitwick said "Wheee....".... Crabbe and Goyle  
had figured out (!!) how to conjure up flowers with their wands and had   
surrounded themselves with them. Filch was dancing around the maypole  
with Peeves. Hermione was spinning around, her Transfiguration book on  
her head, ripping out all of the pages in her Potions book. Harry was signing  
people's faces and drawing lightning bolt scars on everyone. Everyone in the Great  
Hall was acting in much the same way, except one woman....  
  
Professor Trelawney had a puzzled look on her face. These people were  
acting strange. Very strange. You see, our favorite Divination professor was in no  
way affected by the drugs because she was constantly breathing the fumes in her  
classroom. So it's no suprise that she was in her right mind, well, as right as her  
mind gets, trying to figure out how to un-crazify her collegues. Except Minerva.   
Minerva was better as a cat, in Trelawney's opinion.  
  
"Alright," she muttered, "It's time for Trelawney to TAKE ACTION!" She  
stood up, banged on the table, cleared her throat several times, and realized  
no one was paying attention. Finally she set off a bunch of fireworks from her  
wand, causing an "Ooooooh, pretty colors..." to come from everyone, followed  
by entranced silence. Trelawney spoke.  
  
"People of Hogwarts!" she called, "I am your god--dess! I can easily  
destroy all of you!" With this, she squashed a passing ant. Everyone gasped.  
  
"No, love is the way!" cried Seamus.  
  
"Love and peace!" Snape added, coming back into the Great Hall.  
  
"Right! Love and peace is what you'll get if you listen to me!"   
Trelawney continued. "If you do my bidding, in a thousand years a   
spaceship will come down and take you to the planet Fanfiction.net,  
a happy world where everything is peace and love! Understand?"  
  
Everyone nodded. "Peace and love and fanfiction.net!" they agreed.  
  
"Now," ordered Trelawney, smile creeping onto her face. This was too  
easy. "You will all sit down and shut up until the drugs wear off. Then I shall put a  
memory charm on all of you and you will surely live in love and peace forever." she  
finished, sitting down again. Everyone obeyed.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
"It's been a great year, hasn't it, Harry?" Hermione asked. They were  
on the Hogwarts Express, on their way back home, and not to mention drug-free.  
  
"Yep. I can't wait til next year, even though this year we all almost got killed,  
in my case three times!" (A/N Quidditch, forest, ending... you might say Norbert & Fluffy  
almost killed them too, if you want...) Harry agreed contentedly.  
  
"Same here," Ron said. The trio of friends played wizarding games until they reached  
King's Cross Station.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
"So it's you, boy," Vernon Dursley growled at Harry as way of greeting.  
  
"Uh huh," Harry replied dully. Mr. Dursley sniffed.  
  
"You smell funny," he barked. "I warn you, no FUNNY STUFF this summer,  
all right? I WILL NOT have THAT in my house."  
  
Harry sighed. He had no idea what his uncle was talking about in the   
first sentence, but he understood the last part perfectly. It was gonna be a long  
summer...  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
A/N *strikes pose* Well, it's over! Rejoice and be glad! Review and I'll be glad!  
I know I sort of exaggerated the effects of pot... but remember, this is MAGICAL  
weed............ and stuff.  
  
Byezles! Homework calls  
  
Further A/N to Flamers, of which I expect very many: I, personally, hate this fic. It's dumb, cheap, pointless "humor" that I simply scribbled down due to severe writer's block. I'm only keeping it up because I would be massacred if I took it down... and I am very proud of being the first to post a Harry Pothead fic. ^-^ Anymoo, like I said, the effects of pot are overly exaggerated... let's just steal JKR's lame excuse for all of HER mistakes and say that it's *MAGICAL* pot! So, with no further ado, leave yer bleedin' review, and if I get more than 10 people demanding that I take this fic off I gladly will. ^-^ 


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